Emotional Transformation

It is highly misconceived that being emotional means being weak.  Absolutely not! On the contrary it could make a person strong too.

Being emotional per se does not make a person weak or strong, it is the CHOICE of emotions that makes him so. Yes, like other tangible things, we can make a CHOICE of emotions we want to feel more. We can choose to feel blissful, happy, enthusiastic, compassionate, content, peaceful, loveful, empathetic , passionate, joyful and the list goes on. (Try listing 10 emotions you want to feel)  irrespective of the external factors.

While we had so far been thinking that it is only natural to feel sad, dejected, hopeless, angry in face of a failure or a challenging situation; yes it is natural because that is how we are conditioned. However it is in our hands to decide whether-the emotion is in us or we are in the emotion. The external factors are out of our control, but what about our own selves? Do we want to lose control over ourselves too? So what we need to do is:

1.    Notice ourselves and our inner dialogue

2.    Accept the negative or un-resourceful emotion and the situation

3.    Control  the inner dialogue

4.    Take a neutral stand, by physically and mentally dissociating from there

5.    Decide the resourceful or positive emotion we want to feel , instruct oneself and bring it in the system

Of course it is not easy, yet with practice and a conscious effort it is possible. Mind training tools from Neuro Linguistic Programming, positive self talk which is the inner dialogue and meditation will make it very easy.

Remember that no matter how difficult the situation is, we can handle it only with a calm and peaceful mind. Moreover, negative emotions  lead to many a psychosomatic disorders. We can feel a difference ourselves –what are the energy levels when we are happy and enthusiastic vis-a-viz when we are under stress and agony?

So coming back to where we started,

1.    Choose your emotions thoughtfully

2.    Emotions like love, compassion, peace, enthusiasm, empathy, joy are resourceful emotions as they catalyse positivity within and around

3.    Accept the un-resourceful emotions and choose the extent and timing, for example –know when and how much of anger has to be expressed so that it works as a disciplinary tool.

When you, as a leader embrace resourceful emotions, you will feel more empowered to handle your own and your team’s emotions.

When you display empathy, compassion, love, passion,  won’t your team be motivated to go all out and do what you’ve told them to do.

Please channelize your emotions responsibly knowing well that love begets only love (minus a few accidental aberrations). This is the only way to transformation. And I know that my readers are already on a journey towards a higher destination.

Have a lovely and loveful weekend!

Please share your feedback and join me on http://deepali-enlightenment.blogspot.in/
 

Emotional Intelligence-the eastern & western approach

As I complete Emotional Intelligence Practitioner Certification, I realize that there is a close resemblance between the eastern, more so, Indian spiritual techniques and, the western ones. The processes are a little different, but the purpose and even framework to some extent are similar.

Let us look at some of these similarities:

1. The western approach talks of creating boundaries with self and others so that we do not violate the other's boundaries and enmesh emotions. Enmeshment simply means feeling and living the other person's emotions, and is a common phenomena between us and  people we have intimate relationship with like parents, spouse, children etc. (enmeshment is not empathy). So when boundaries are crossed, enmeshment happens and it can lead to complete dissociation with self and association with the other and can stop us from handling a situation from a neutral perspective because we get overpowered by the other's emotion. A simple example of enmeshment is -parent's stress level going up during the child's exam, spouse getting anxious when the other is in appraisal.

Boundary with self, to me means not feeling guilty on missing perfection  every time, forgiving oneself if something just got missed from being accomplished. This is highly needed in this age of super competition and sky high targets and expectations. And it is more needed for Indian dedicated women.

The yogic practices, meditation, pranayam help us in reaching the desired state of detachment- a neutral position in which our sense of discrimination is very strong and we can see things the way they are without losing our sanity even in highly challenging situations. Our scriptures also guide us to lead a life of non-attachment with the fruit while performing our duties to the best of our effort.

2. Sculpting a new image of oneself, using the whoosh technique to create a new desired picture of self with the qualities expected and seeing oneself as having accomplished what one wants to is commonly done under the western approach.

We do the same using certain thought journey & yognidra techniques in the east.

3. Taking a meta position, that is a third party or neutral position in an argument, difficult situation, to heal self and relationships is propounded by the west. And the east suggests various forms of meditation in which one practices to go beyond body consciousness and reach soul consciousness.  This leads to reaching the utmost sense of neutrality. It also teaches us to refrain from taking the sense of doership; having sense of drishta & not karta and offering the fruit of one's actions to the Almighty.

4. Western techniques guide us to acknowledge & validate a person, the eastern approach teaches us to have an attitude of gratitude.

5. The western approach tells us to release unresourceful emotions and let go of the negativity associated with them, the eastern approach tells us to forget and forgive.

I can barely see any difference in both the approaches.

While there is both an art and a science in the western methods as they used brain based techniques and work on the neuro patterns and the techniques have to be administered appropriately; the eastern methods have the beauty of being simple, easy to practice, create a connection with the higher self, take one to the super conscious level, activate creativity, intuition. A dextrous combination of both can do wonders to enrich our life with happiness, success & peace. 

Have a lovely weekend!

Please share your thoughts on www.worldofenlightenment.in 

Leadership & emotions

Thomas- a participant in one of our workshops on Managerial Effectiveness based on 7 Habits shared an incident that happened in his team a couple of months before this workshop.

Thomas was noticing that one of his very effective team members- Rajesh was behaving differently than usual-he started being irritable, lost, withdrawn from other co-workers, not as punctual as he used to be. While a few co-workers did start highlighting his mistakes and using this as a ploy to get a deserving employee ousted, Thomas –the caring boss did what a good leader should do. He while patting Rajesh’s back asked him in an informal conversation if everything was fine with him. Rajesh broke down and told him that his mother was battling with cancer and was undergoing chemotherapy for which he had to take her to the hospital off and on. There being just his wife and an infant in the family, he had to manage the logistics. Thomas very empathetically listened, offered Rajesh some water and tea and then suggested him to take leave for a month while being available on the phone and email when required and hand over the pending projects to a team mate in Thomas’s presence. He assured Rajesh that his job will remain safe and his rating will remain unaffected if after coming back he shows the same enthusiasm in his work as he used to earlier.

Thomas, while understanding an employee’s genuine problem, offered help and retained a good worker who became more dedicated and motivated after coming back. He earned respect, appreciation and sincerity forever.

How many of us pause to think that if a person is behaving differently than usual, he could be going through some kind of a hardship or crisis? Do we stop and try to understand?

I get taken aback when I read or hear senior leaders say that there is no room for emotions at work. “I am a totally different person at work than what I am in my personal life.” There will of course be a few differences in our engagement with people in our personal and professional lives. But how can we have different set of values –one for personal life and one for professional life? How can something as natural and intrinsic as emotions stop to exist the moment I reach my workplace? Imagine what will happen if our heart muscles do the same thing- work at home, stop working at office?

There is just no need to cut off the emotional-the human side of oneself at work. What is needed is-

1. Emotional control and proper expression of emotions
2. Using emotions to build a strong connect


Steven Covey – management expert talks of building a strong Emotional Bank Account by adding the deposits of –empathy, integrity, attending to little things, clarifying expectations, apologizing sincerely. When the emotional bank account is strong, people will give their best, will be more productive, there will be team spirit and the organization’s objectives will be met. There will be a win-win situation for everyone. People will want to work with such leaders who have an emotional and the more human side even at work. And the organization will earn a good name because of good leaders and workers.

Have a lovely weekend!

Energy Audit

 To save the environment and finances, companies and even some households carry out energy audit. This helps them keep a check on use and misuse of energy and helps in preserving the scarce resources.
Can we do a similar exercise for our energy-physical as well as mental? Can we carry out our own energy audit? Yes, we can and we should.
Whatever outcome we get in life is mostly a result of our investment of energy. So we need to check two things:

 1. Mental energy-What kind of thoughts are occupying our mental space? Is our mind full of waste thoughts-thoughts of worry, fear, anxiety, anger, hatred, jealousy? Are most of our thoughts about the past or the future? Now just imagine if the place where we live or work is full of waste, will we be productive, be able to do what we want to do? Similarly, if the mental space is occupied by wasteful thoughts, will we be productive or creative? Never. 

2. Physical energy-Actions and words need to be in sync with thoughts otherwise there will again be a seepage of energy. 

Hence it is very important that we carry out a regular audit of our own energy. Just two simple steps:

1. After every few hours, check your thoughts. If they are negative/ wasteful just navigate consciously towards the positive and productive thoughts.

2. Before going to bed carry out a brief exercise of self introspection-visualize everything done in the day like a film. Something will be right, something will be not so right. Whatever is not so right, just edit it- say cut, cut, cut and promise not to repeat it.

These small exercises will help us channelize our energy in the right direction. And when our thoughts, words and actions synchronize in the right direction, right energy is produced and somewhere the law of attraction works and nature conspires to work with and for us:)

Have a lovely weekend!

 

3A,FL Model for Conflict Resolution

Conflicts are natural in any relationship. No two people will feel or behave the way the other does or expects all the time because we are humans and cannot always function in a standardized fashion. While it is normal to be in conflict situations, what is important is how one responds to or resolves these situations. Any relationship-in personal and or professional life can take an ugly form when conflicts are left unresolved or when there is a blame game.

For the health of the relationship and for the mutual benefit of individuals, it is imperative that there is transmission of positive energy. Energy between two people can get:

1. Reflected-we give back what we receive- positive or negative. This is the most common form of energy exchange.

2.Absorbed-while we do not give it back, we retain the negative energy and somewhere it affects our thought process, emotions and behaviour towards the sender. This happens when the receiver out of fear or respect, absorbs the negativity.

3.Transformation- The ideal form of energy exchange is when despite getting negative energy, we are not absorbing it and are sending back only positive energy. This transformation of energy is very crucial for any relationship to thrive.

I thought of a 3A,FL model that shall help in transforming energy and resolving conflicts.

Ask-1) Can I handle this situation differently?

        2) Is it important for me to feel and behave negatively?.... to lose control?

        3) Is there anything worthwhile in this person? 

Accept people the way they are, of course without compromising on values

Agree to disagree and give the other person benefit of the same

Forget & forgive

Let go  

When 3A,FL model is backed by love (for people in general) and spiritual strength, relationships will bloom and so will people.

Have a lovely weekend!

Do leave your thoughts and join my blog at www.deepali-enlightenment.blogspot.in/

Happy New Year

Wish you & your loved ones a very happy & prosperous new year!

May you-

Grow by leaps & bounds, and grow in humility too

Make your choices wisely and heartily

Live with the realization that the means you use to achieve ends make all the difference

Display an attitude of gratitude for all that you have-big or small

Care for those who matter & for whom you matter

Let go of all the negativity

Believe in the infinite power of prayer & pray for others

Live every moment in love.

Life changing effect of Neuro Linguistic Programming

In one of my workshops called, A New Me, while we were using a tool to overcome the strongest negative emotion of the participants, there was one participant who shared his experience post applying the tool. The negative emotion that he wanted to overcome was anger and it had its roots in his early school days where he was beaten by his teacher day in and day out . So much was his anger on that teacher that he had decided to become a teacher and beat every student to quench his sadistic thirst against the fraternity of teachers. I and the entire group were taken aback to know this when he shared that "if I had not attended this workshop I would have become a teacher and beaten up every student." While it was an achievement that the workshop could help him overcome not  just anger, but a latent volcano that was waiting to erupt someday. 

A few points to ponder on:

1. Emotions play a very important role in our lives. They actively or passively affect our personal and professional lives-thought process, behaviour, communication, inter-personal relationships; in addition to health and overall well being.

2. Though on a superficial or conscious level, we think that we have forgotten and or forgiven the errant, but at the sub-conscious level we keep holding the grudge and the pain.

3. Past experiences, especially the negative ones somewhere condition our behaviour and limit our belief system.

While I am a strong believer of a spiritual approach in life, I have found Neuro Linguistic Programming to be highly effective in helping people overcome such negative emotions arising out of a painful past. The scientific brain based tools coupled with the Practitioner or trainer's spiritual approach help the participant in realising the ill effect of holding on to negativity and letting go of the same.

Looking forward to sharing more such experiences soon:)

Have a lovely week!

Remember to leave your comment.

Change your words, change your world!

It has now been proved by science that sound does not get destroyed, it stays in the atmosphere and leaves its effect, good or bad. According to newspaper reports, scientists are also trying to get the original enunciation of Bhagvad Gita as articulated by Shri Krishna on the grounds of Kurukshetra.

While our thoughts determine our words, it is quite interesting to know that the reverse is also true. Our words effect the way we think and feel. Words can make or break our world. While I was doing a course in Neuro Linguistic Programming, the trainer gave a very simple example- when you say I am suffering from cold, you choose the suffering. And when you say this cold is passing through me, you know nothing of suffering. Human brain does not understand pain, it is we who tell the brain that we are in pain and hence feel accordingly. Lot of pain and suffering will go away when we use more positive and less harsh words with ourselves and others.

In our interaction with people, we often forget that they are not result producing machines, there is some element of emotion and sensitivity in them too. While it is natural to have a bout of emotion and anger  at certain times, but then can we expect the person on the receiving end to always be non-reactive and calm. And even if that person is non-reactive, there are many chances that we might lose him soon. He might not react or respond looking at the hierarchy of the relationship, his not so strong hold on the set up or some other reason, but he will always look for ways to avoid us. This someone could also be someone who we think to be our own.It will be an absolutely losing relationship. And such losses can never made up. 

So, change your words, change your world! Time to do some soul searching to see which world we want to create for ourselves.

In the end, just remember that if you cannot help, at least talk helpfully!

Empowering relationships

On this Women’s Day, one of the newspapers covered letters written by super achiever Moms to their daughters. One such letter was written by Chanda Kochar, the CEO of ICICI Bank to her daughter who is doing a course Engineering. The gist of the letter that motivated me to write this article is-

You have chosen a not so popular field. Go ahead and do what you want to do. Don’t think of anyone or anything and just do what you want.

A parent saying this to a young child means-

• She has complete trust in the child
• She has full confidence in her upbringing
• The relationship is really strong.
• This also conveys that, irrespective of the outcome, we shall be there for you.

This shall make the child highly responsible for her actions. She shall always respect and admire her parent for giving her not just resources, but all the encouragement and support that one needs to grow as a complete individual in life. 

Now this is what I call Empowerment. The parent is not just making the child empowered, but is empowering the relationship too.

And this is true for all our relationships-with spouse, child, parents, friends, co-workers & bosses.

When our relationships at workplace and home become so strong, we have mutual trust and confidence, the place and the relationship becomes a source of happiness rather than a cause of stress. We then look forward to being there and with those people.

Let’s introspect and find out if we are nurturing our relationships or avoiding confrontation/ communication. 

Let us do our best to make our relations truly empowered. 

Power of blessings

I happened to read a lovely article on the power of blessings in the magazine Life Positive yesterday. The same has inspired me to share my thoughts.

We come across many situations that seem to be impossible to handle at that time, yet we get through them smoothly; we come across a severe accident and come out of it without even a scratch; we narrowly escape an adversity and come unharmed. When we reflect on what happened v/s what could have happened, do we realize that it was only and only God’s grace that worked on us?

 We, at times take all the credit and at times share with the people around us, and even extend it to luck. Do we ever think how the blessings of our elders, or anyone who blessed us anytime helped us? 

Blessings, a good word or earnest prayers and wishes can do miracles. The power of thoughts and spoken words is being recognized by science also as, it believes that we all are surrounded by energy fields and thoughts & words have a positive or negative effect on the energy field around us and hence we are impacted.

I firmly believe in the wonders blessings can do. God’s  grace cannot stop flowing to someone who has his parents' blessings, blessings of elders or just anyone, who has wished truly and we have respected the wishes or blessings. Yes, the element of genuineness on both sides, at the side of giver and receiver has to be there. The giver has to have sincere feelings and the receiver has to value what the giver said.

So anyone –a parent, an elder one, a boss, colleague, helper, maid, even a stranger, anyone–dead or alive, irrespective of hierarchy of any kind can do beautiful things to our life with his blessings. So, in the new year let’s do two things right away:

1.        Bless everyone we come across
2.     Be deserving  of someone’s blessings  

 Let’s also be thankful for all the blessings life/ Almighty has bestowed upon us.

Be happy! Have a blessed life!